You were excited to start The 30 Day Love Explosion. You began dropping bombs on your chosen one. You noticed how good it felt to express yourself. How easy it was to find something new that you love about this person each day. How fun it was to shower them with your love. It caused you to drop out of your ordinary fast pace for a moment, pay close attention and become present. You appreciated that. It was both joyful and deep.
Then after a week or so you noticed a change. You were less excited about dropping love bombs. You felt disappointed. You began withholding a bit. Little grudges were starting to edge their way in. You even thought about dropping the whole stupid thing. What changed?
In most cases the answer is the same: You changed. You began this adventure by following your heart. You felt the impulse and ran with it. You focused on what you love about your chosen person and you felt enlivened by it. You shared what you loved about them and it made you happy.
Somewhere along the way, subtly, and perhaps without you even noticing your focus shifted from what you love and how to express it, to what you expected in return. Your person didn’t respond the ways you hoped or expected them to. You were disappointed. They let you down. Maybe you even expected them to disappoint you, and so you feel vindicated, but that’s not the same as feeling happy or loving. So how do you get back on track?
First, you gotta own it. Your disappointment has nothing to do with the person you chose.
Your disappointment is never caused by what someone does or doesn’t do. It comes from your expectations of what they should or shouldn’t do.
As soon as you realize this you can take the blame off of them. You can use this as a chance to explore expectations you didn’t even know you had. You can examine expectations you have around love and giving. Do you give to get something in return? Do you withhold if you don’t get what you expected?
Where did those expectations begin? So many of our beliefs and expectations began before we could even form sentences. Yet we carry them throughout our lives and let them run our behaviours unconsciously. Becoming aware of them is the first step to transforming.
If you’ve been feeling disappointed by your person’s response (or lack of it), know that it’s not their reactions to your love bombs that’s disappointing you. It’s that your expectations are causing your disappointment.
So, what are you going to do about it? Use this opportunity as a chance to grow your love. Whenever you notice your disappointment rising, know that your expectations are at work. You’re expecting something because there’s something you want, something you need. What is it? Can you be curious and loving and gentle with yourself, as you sit in the discomfort of your own wants and needs?
And when you discover what you want and need, can you give it to yourself – Before you give love to anyone else, can you love yourself?