It matters because it matters to You.

Have you ever made yourself thoroughly frustrated trying to convince someone about what really matters?

In the early 90s I tried to explain to women, who really just wanted a flattering shade of lipstick and a good moisturizer, that slight rises in temperatures of the globe really mattered. I tried to advise parents to stay away from the aquarium, because their admission supported the suffering of the captive dolphins inside. Their lives mattered. I remember trying to convince loggers that the biodiversity of the temperate rainforest mattered.

How could they not see that? It was obvious! It mattered!

What I didn’t see then as I see now is that it’s not so much that it mattered. It’s that it mattered to me. These were things I felt passionate about. I poured my heart and money and energy into these causes. I created businesses and joined organizations in support of these issues. Not because they matter. Because they matter to me. As my friend Bodhi says: All meaning is personal.

I had the luxury of letting those things matter. I didn’t have a terminal illness or a sick child. I had clean water in my home, a home that wasn’t being foreclosed. I lived in a safe country. No bombs dropping in my neighbourhood, no gangs ruling my street.

What matters to me depends on many things. I’ve learned that to have issues beyond my survival matter to me is a privilege that comes with having my basics needs met.

It’s also true that what matters to me changes throughout my life. When I was a kid the colour of stitching on my jeans mattered. Now it matters that my garden supports bees, butterflies and birds.

I still find myself from time to time separating myself from others with my views about what matters. Like when I heard Peter Brabek, the Chairman of Nestle say that water is not a human right I was shocked. I couldn’t believe his company would consider water a foodstuff to be used for profit with no regard for human life. I raged and screamed and then I cried. And once I let all that emotion flow throw me I felt better. Less powerless. I could think more clearly. I could alert others about the company’s position. Those who don’t mind can keep buying Nestle products and those who think this matters can boycott and tell others. We can all do what matters in our own way.

Believing what matters to me should also matter to others is a recipe for conflict. It creates a divide between us. When I can accept that what matters to me is a reflection of my background, opportunities, health, financial situation and life choices, I can easily accept that what matters to me doesn’t have to matter to you. And when you tell me quite passionately about what really matters, I understand that it matters to you.

You can find a list of Nestle products for US and Canada here.

When Not to be True To Your Word

You’ve heard it said, “You’re only as good as your word.”

Being true to your word is great … except when it isn’t. Now I’m all for doing what you say you’re going to do, making vows and commitments and sticking to them, even when the going gets tough. Being true to your word is important. It makes you reliable and trustworthy, but there is something far more important, and it sometimes conflicts with Being True to Word, and that is Being True to Your Self.

Saying YES to one thing always means saying No to another. Many of us have been conditioned to say YES without thinking, putting another’s desires and needs above our own. When YES becomes a knee-jerk habitual response, being “True to Your Word” can shackle you to this self-defeating habit.

I’ve helped many women discover the Power of NO, but only after the years I spent learning it for myself. After all this time it’s still a practice that requires my attention. For some of us it’s terrifying to say NO if we’ve been saying YES all of our lives; for fear of disappointing people, being seen as selfish, losing the love and acceptance of others.

We are told that we must do what we say we are going to do if we are to be trustworthy, but saying NO and Meaning it makes you more trustworthy than Saying YES and Secretly Resenting it.

We are all responding to one anothers energy all the time. So if you commit to doing something for me and follow through but secretly resent doing it and wish you were somewhere else, I’m going to pick up on that energy. I may not be consciously aware of what I’m picking up. I’ll just know something is off. Though you are doing what you said you would do, I’m going to feel like I can’t totally trust what’s happening, because your words and actions aren’t matching your energy.

So what if you said YES and meant it, but now you want to say NO. Commitments are important, and some people have to face their lack of commitment and follow through on things. But for some this commitment to your word is so rigid that it doesn’t allow for circumstances to change, your mind to change, or others to change.

One client found the courage to say “I DON’T” just a few months before her wedding date. Though she’d earlier said “I DO”, she was brave enough to listen to the small voice of discontent and act in a way that was true for her. Another was brave enough to say NO to signing a business contract that she had agreed to in word, but had not felt good about through the process. In both cases these were painful decisions with sleepless nights. Had either of these women stayed true to their word one would have ended up in a marriage that made her miserable and the other would have committed to being far busier than her body and soul wanted. Both would likely have resented being true to their word – perhaps for a very long time.

Many times I’ve paid the price for saying YES when I should have said NO. But I’m not the only one who’s paid. I’ve hired people who looked good on paper and said everything right, but something felt off to me even in the interview. It would have been kinder to everyone to let them know right away that they weren’t the right fit, rather than say YES and try to make it work. Plowing ahead because I said so, has never served me well.

Next time you’re about to do something because you said you would, take a moment to breathe softly and slowly. Feel your feet on the ground. Then imagine you are following through with what you are committing to. Notice how your body feels as you imagine that. Does it feel good or do you notice signs of stress?

Your body will always speak to you. It may just take some practice to understand its language.

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If this is new to you it’s enough at first to just to pay attention to the times when your body is in agreement with your word and the times when there is a conflict. Notice which choice feels better in your body. You may not have the courage to follow your body’s wisdom at first. That’s fine.

When you bring awareness to what’s going on in your body, and listen to its message you can act by choice, even if you choose to override it. Awareness is the beginning of transforming habits. The more you check in with your body to see how YES feels, the more you will make decisions from that sense of alignment, and eventually being true to your word will be the same as being true to yourself.

Changing your mind may cost you time, and money, and your ego may take a hit, but it’s worth it to live in alignment with your truth.

How Much Is Enough?

Growing up I never got the concept of enough. As a toddler I’d stay up until the wee hours of the morning, out lasting many of the grown ups because I didn’t want to miss a thing.

As a young adult I said YES to everything, was constantly over-booked, running from one project to the next, pushing myself in workouts, going hours and hours without eating only to finally realize I was starving and then eat tons to keep me fueled, sleeping very little and always feeling there was more to do.

The root of my pushing and striving and over-booking was that I didn’t feel I was enough. No matter how good a job I did, I saw ways I could have done better. I believed I could have worked harder, loved more, and been more. Though my life’s work was committed to sustainability, my life was anything but that, all because I didn’t know in my bones that I am enough.

It took a debilitating illness, when I could no longer do all the things I thought made my life worthwhile. When I could no longer give and serve and be there for others, when I was stripped of my ability to do, and caused to finally be, I discovered the feeling of enough. Not as a concept or theory, but a sensation in my body. I started to notice, ever so slightly at first, a sense of peace and wholeness in my cells, even when my body was wracked in pain. I realized contentment and joy even in deep exhaustion. I discovered life’s abundance as my finances dwindled while I was unable to work. I knew finally that I am enough, that this life with illness, as limited as it seemed compared to my old life, was enough.

As my health improved I had no desire to return to my old ways. The pattern was pretty deeply engrained in my neuropathways so I would (and still can) slip into it from time to time, but there’s no real desire for it. The moment I catch it I can get back on a healthier track quickly.

I’ve learned that 4 hours is not enough sleep for me. That some days I need 5 or 6 meals to feel satisfied and other days I barely eat at all. That I am comfortable living in far fewer square feet than most people I know, but I need more time outdoors and alone.

I’ve learned that enough feels like a gentle fullness, with lots of space to breathe. Enough feels like energy pulsing through my body like a jewel-toned jelly fish. Enough feels complete. I can give from a well that won’t run dry, while being completely comfortable saying No.

My relationship with Enough is a moment to moment practice of paying attention to how I feel, and for me that requires slowing down enough to notice.

One of my favourite artists is Daniel Peacock. Some of his paintings are wildly chaotic, like the one above – full of so many images and messages you find something new every time you look at them. Others are simple solitary figures – like this one here.

Whether complex or sparse, each on is an expression of love. With such a vast range, how does he know when he’s painted enough?

He told me he’s sure a piece is finished when he gets the urge to pull out his guitar and play it a love song. And he does just that. When it comes to his art, Daniel knows how much is enough. He feels it.

This is my offering to you:

Explore how much is enough.

What does enough feel like in your body?
What sensations do you experience?
What does not enough feel like?
How do you feel with too much?

You don’t have to do anything with what you discover. You don’t have to judge yourself or compare. Your enough and my enough will be different. Your enough today will be different from your enough tomorrow.

For now, just noticing … is enough.

*All of these paintings are by Daniel Peacock. To see them live is a real treat. I’ll let you know when his next show will be.

The Joy of Anger. Or why I disagree with the Dalai Lama.

Actually I’ve never met the Dalai Lama. I’m basing this only on what I’ve read. And perhaps I’m misinterpreting his words. Maybe if we sat down over a cup of tea or shots of tequila I’d discover that we’re saying the same thing about anger: That it’s just energy, and moving it and expressing it are a wholesome part of a healthy life.

I grew up with a dysfunctional relationship to anger. I feared it. And disowned it. You see my dad was explosive. We’d be having a lovely time and something would set him off – BOOM – He would rage! He didn’t hit us, but his screaming tirades had me fearing for our safety. In my very young world his rants were life-threatening. He didn’t stay with us for long, but my fear of anger lasted for decades.

In my thirties, my acupuncturist kept explaining that my liver was “pushy”. In Traditional Chinese Medicine the liver represents anger. I could admit I was angry about environmental destruction, cruelty to people and animals, and the many injustices in the world, but he was trying to nudge me towards something less rational, more primal. Try as I did I just couldn’t access it.

It wasn’t until some years later that I felt an explosive energy rise up in me. I was in a therapist’s office and he skillfully made space for me to express it. My immediate urge was to punch and slap and roar like a wild beast. His place was well equipped to allow all of it. All of me. If you’d seen me you’d say was I enraged, and rage it was, but what I noticed more than anything was that I was enlivened. Allowing this energy to be released the moment it was noticed was incredibly freeing.

Though roaring and punching with fist clenched tight I wasn’t aware of any thing in particular I was angry about. It was just pure energy flowing through me. No doubt it was decades of anger I’d pushed down into my body that were erupting like a volcano. It was that primal energy my acupuncturist had been pointing to so many years ago. When thoroughly exhausted I lay in a heap on the floor I began to laugh… and laugh… and laugh. There was unbridled joy trapped behind that geyser of energy, and though I’d never been aware of holding it in, releasing it was the portal to the joy that was trapped underneath.

There was no story that accompanied this outburst. No face I was seeing as I punched and screamed. No bitterness or resentment when I was done. I wasn’t holding anything in. Like an animal I had let it out and let it go. I had shaken it off and it was over. It wasn’t the end of anger. It was the beginning of freedom from holding it in.

Since I don’t live in the soundproof safety of a therapist’s office I don’t let that energy flow anytime it bubbles up.I don’t go around striking out and screaming at people just because I feel it, and I recommend you don’t do that either. It’s never a good idea to aim all that energy at another person. It can easily be overwhelming, even traumatizing.

But I let that explosive energy out as soon as I can, in a safe place, rather than suppress it. Sometimes what starts out like rage, morphs into tears of sadness, followed by joy or relief. It always makes me feel more free and energized.

In the real world it looks something like this:

One morning I woke to my husband complaining about the protein powder I’d bought. It irked me. I felt annoyed before my feet touched the floor. It was the slightest tightening of irritation in my throat. I jumped to my old pattern which was to rationalize my way out of honouring my body’s sensations, saying to myself: “This is so unlike him.” He usually comes and sits on my side of the bed and greets me sweetly, brings me a cup of hot water and lemon, says ‘good morning sleeping beauty’. “You have no right to feel this way.” I told myself. “Get over it.”

So I pushed it down, as I’d done my whole life. It was just a little irritation. I’d get over it. But I noticed right away that I wasn’t feeling close to him. By stuffing down my feelings I had created a wall between us. He wasn’t even aware of it, and it wasn’t his fault. It was because I had just denied myself. I figured I had a choice: 1) I could keep my feelings stuffed down and work all day to recreate the connection I usually feel with my husband, or 2) take the time to honour the sensations of my body, the constriction in my throat, the tightening of my jaw, and see if it shifted things for me.

I warned Mark I was going to freak out for a little while and shut the door. I started smashing the bed, breathing heavily, grunting out my anger, even yelling a bit. He came in and asked. “Is this about me?” “Well, Yes, and no.” I replied. Your complaints about the protein powder were the catalyst for this explosion, but clearly all of this rage is not about that.” I continued to freak out while he watched. I quickly reached the point where roaring turned into laughing. He laughed along with me. And that closeness I love so much returned.

By paying close attention to my body I notice subtle signals that energy wants release, whether it’s anger or joy or grief, (by the way, you don’t suppress one without suppressing the others) and I am enlivened by allowing the energies to move.

For more on releasing emotions check out this post.

Emotions are meant to move.

If you joined The 30 Day Love Explosion you may be thinking that it’s all rainbows and happy faces in my world. If so, you don’t know me. More acurately – you don’t know all of me.

Those who’ve worked with me privately, been on retreat, taken a class with me, or are part of my inner circle know that I’m an equal opportunity emoter. I think it’s a shame we deem some emotions as bad and others as good. From a young age we are coaxed, cajoled, and even coerced out of the bad emotions and into the good. A combination of bribery and threats is often applied. While this may be done by well-meaning guardians and friends who hate to see us sad or angry, we learn that it’s ok to have some emotions and not ok to have others. But since emotions come whether we want them or not, we’ve little else to do with the “unacceptable ones” but stuff them down.

We’re a culture that is uncomfortable with authentic feelings. We have a very narrow range of socially acceptable emotions. The rest are hidden away to make us all feel better. But I’ve got news for you: There is no such place as away. And hiding your emotions will not make you feel better.

As humans we’re meant to experience a wide range of emotions. Just watch a baby. It quickly moves through many emotions in a day. By allowing some and denying others you are not living as fully as you could be.

Emotions are meant to move through you and out of you. In fact the root of the word is from the French Emouvoir – to move. The last thing you want to do with emotions is hold them in. Because that place you stuff them into is your own body. Rather than allowing the few seconds that it takes to move emotions, you carry them inside for years. And since emotions are by their very nature, wanting to move, they are constantly looking for ways to escape. It takes a lot of energy to hold them in. You may not be conscious of this energy, but it is using up your life force. Think of emotions like a rushing river. They want to flow. By stuffing them down you’re like a dam holding back a wall of water. That’s a lot of pressure.

Since you can’t hold them in forever, those emotions you think you’re hiding from the world are leaking out from time to time. They may also be building up with such pressure that you explode when you least expect it.

So, what are we to do with the emotions we habitually shun?

Allow them – all of them. I’m not advocating for violence, raging at other living beings, or spewing your emotions whenever you want. There is a kinder way to release big emotions without anyone getting hurt.

Here’s a simple thing to try:

If you have a big reaction to something – rage, sadness, surprise, joy – get yourself into a private setting as quickly as you can. In that space where you won’t be disturbed let yourself follow your natural impulses and go wild. (as quick as you can may be minutes or days later)

Let’s say you feel rage. Grab a tennis racket, baseball bat, rolling pin – and bash the living daylights out of some pillows on your bed. As the “weapon” smashes the pillows make a noise. It can be helpful to yell something – NO, STOP, or a slew of expletives that you’d never say in public. All of this will ensure that you are breathing.

Hitting something like that may not be authentic for you in that moment. Notice your natural impulse. If someone made you angry you may find yourself for the quickest second feeling you’d like to punch them. Fantastic – go into a private place and punch pillows. Make sure you express to ensure you breathe. If you want to kick, do that, strangle someone – grab a towel and keep strangling it… until you notice another impulse bubble up. I love punching. I have boxing gloves so I won’t hurt my hands. And I’m a big fan of heavy bags for punching and kicking.

Big emotions don’t last long. About 90 seconds tops. When they are allowed to move they clear space and free up your energy. When you hold them in they zap your energy. They lead to moods that can linger, for hours, days or more: frustration, irritability, lethargy, anxiousness, worry….

I use this practice, and others like it myself, and I teach it to clients. What I offer varies with the clients’ needs. Often when a client is talking incessantly about an issue, obsessing about something they can’t change, or feeling stuck in their life, I’ll encourage this kind of movement of emotion. It’s often met with resistance, but my resolve for their freedom is usually stronger than their opposition, and they succumb reluctantly. Amazingly they always feel better after doing this. Something in them needed to move, and in honoring that need, they set themselves free.

While clients are cutting loose, their minds will often chime in with helpful thoughts like “This is ridiculous. This isn’t helping. I look like a fool. That’s enough. I’m tired.” So I keep encouraging them to go a bit beyond the point when they want to stop. That’s often where the magic is ~ Just beyond the point when you want to give up. So if you do this on your own you may want to set a timer and make yourself keep going until that time is up. Start with two minutes and see how you do.

Sometimes we experience the opposite. Clients get started and discover so much pent up emotion they fear it will never end. No wonder – with a life time of feelings stuffed down, it can feel like a bottomless pit. Know that with regular release it will move through you and free up space for more life force.

Of course there will always be more emotions every day that want to move, so this becomes a regular practice. And this isn’t just for anger or sadness. Use this to release your strangled joy as well.

Releasing your emotions is like spring cleaning your body and psyche every single day.

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I’d love to hear how you express your emotions and what it does for you.

Love Debra

If you care about someone who could benefit from this, please share it with them. We’ll all be more free when we express ourselves fully.

The Secret of Slowing Down Time

Something wonderful just happened. I turned 50.

All the time leading up to it people kept saying things like: “I can’t believe it. Where has the time gone? 50 already, how is that possible? It goes so fast. Life is flying by.”

I knew what they were talking about. In my thirties I had a mantra that acted as a warning to those coming up behind. “LIFE SPEEDS UP AT 25”. It was a hardcore fact. I was living proof. My colleagues were flesh and blood examples. Something drastic and mysterious had happened at the mid twenty mark, and since then life had taken on a frantic pace.

By my thirties I’d find myself saying “Where have the last five years gone?” then “What happened to the last ten?”

I wasn’t lounging on the couch, wasting my time, or wishing my life away. Far from it. I was running businesses and sitting on boards, volunteering and working out, dancing and playing and learning, and more than anything else ~ trying to right the wrongs I saw in the world.

I was having a lot of fun. I was accomplishing LOTS. But more and more life was feeling like one of those campfire songs you sing faster and faster and faster until the words-smash-into each-other-and-stopmakingsense.

At this pace it felt like I was zooming to the end of my life, which fueled my fire for accomplishing more. With less time left to save the world I worked harder and faster, trying to “keep up”. Setting goals, achieving them, and quickly setting new ones, I was living in a more and more distant future.

At the time I had no idea that I was responsible for the pace of life. I didn’t know that life doesn’t speed up on its own, I was the one with my foot on the gas.

Then in my mid thirties everything changed. I’d like to say I smartened up, saw the folly of my ways and slowed down, but no. It took a more drastic act to stop me in my tracks, (but that story is for another time). The illness that seemed like a tragedy at the time, turned out to be a beautiful turning point in my life, and the biggest gift I could ever hope for.

It forced me to get in touch with my body, notice my own needs, and live at my natural pace. By paying attention to myself I found my attention spreading to others and all of life. I was becoming present. I’d replaced living in the distant future with living in this moment right now. I was no longer rushing from one thing to another, keeping track in my head of a growing list of things to do and be.

It took a while for me to realize this was happening, but I discovered that life had slowed down. My experience of time had completely changed. Days felt full and long and luxurious.

Every instant I noticed my breathing time stood still for a moment. The more times in a day I noticed my breath, the longer the day stretched out. As I felt my feet touch the ground, tasted the ripe peach on my tongue, felt the car seat hugging my body, heard the sounds of sirens and birds and music, time slowed down.

So now at 50 I no longer feel that life has sped up. I’m not wondering where the time has gone, or how I got here so fast. I’m in awe of being 50 years old. That’s a LOT of years to be breathing and walking and eating and loving. That’s a lot of years of friendships and family and births and deaths and successes and failures. It’s a lot of years of hopes and dreams and fears, intimate conversations, walks taken, hands held, tomatoes harvested, meals shared, basketball games cheered for, legs shaved, and floors washed.

I’ve been fortunate to have lived an incredible life in three different countries, with rewarding careers, and wonderful people, in sickness and in health, during better and worse times, filled with happy hellos and tearful goodbyes and all that happens in between. And fortunate enough to slow down and appreciate it all as I look back on it, and as it’s happening now.

At 50 I actually feel ready to die. I don’t have a desire to die. I have a readiness. It’s been a long and lovely life. I assume that there are more days coming, but if they don’t I have lived fully and lived well, especially once I learned to pay attention.

Paying attention is my secret for slowing down time.

It’s never too late to Love.

Did you forget to drop a love bomb yesterday?

Have you forgotten for several days?

Hey, it happens. As Malcolm London says, “Even the richest man can never purchase yesterday”. You can’t get it back so let it go.

All you have is today – this very moment. And there will never be a better time to love. So drop a love bomb right now!

We often waste too much time regretting things we didn’t do. That regret about the past can keep you from creating a better future. That better future is not off in the distance. It begins right now, in this very moment, and continues as moments strung together … like patio lanterns.

So if you missed a few days of Love Bombing, let it go, begin again. It is never too late too love.

A few years ago I had the pleasure of sharing a meal with the young poet, Malcolm London. I was impressed by his poise, elegance, intellect, humility, and mostly his big beautiful heart. I love his poems. This one’s for you.

Let it go. Begin again. It’s never too late to love.

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10 Love Bomb Ideas.

I thought you might like some ideas for dropping love bombs.

Pitch a sign on their lawn for all their neighbours to see.
Slip a tip to the local barrista to read your love bomb out loud when they call your person’s name.* Wouldn’t it be great to hear – “Jeff your latte is ready ~ and Diane loves you for being a wonderful listener.”
Write it in chalk on the sidewalk. Or somewhere else conspicuous.
Say it in a foreign language. Then they have to figure out what you said.
Hide notes in places you know they’ll find. One person chose a neat freak – so she wrote a love bomb on a piece of paper and threw it in the backseat of her car, knowing she’d have to pick it up.
Get different co-workers to say it to them throughout the day.*
Text it. Pin it. Facebook it. Email it. Phone it in. Say it in person.
Post a note in a shop window (or several) in their neighbourhood.*
Write it on your body. Write it on their body.
Just Do It!

And however you do it – Have FUN!

*Include others. Even strangers. You’ll be amazed how willing people are to help spread the love.

Your Love Makes a Difference

It’s wonderful when you get to see and feel the difference your love is making in someone’s life. It’s great to see them bask in the glow of your love. It’s fun to know you’ve put a spring in someone’s step, helped them see the best in themselves and shine their own light a little brighter.

It’s awesome when this happens, but what about the times when you give your love to another, openly, consistently, joyful and …. nothing. What then?

We don’t always get to see the difference our love makes, but that doesn’t mean it’s not making a difference.

Alice* is a body-worker. She’s been in practice for many years. A few weeks ago she told me that when she was first starting out she worked in a clinic and took whoever they gave her. There was a older woman who came to her who was grumpy all the time, and no fun to work on. There seemed to be no pleasing this woman. Even though she didn’t seem happy with the treatments she kept returning. Since Alice was new she kept working on her, even though it was unpleasant.

Then one day, before the grump arrived, Alice realized something. What this woman really needed was love. So Alice decided to love her that day. She didn’t say anything different, and she worked on her body in the same way. But as she did it she loved her. She had no good or easy reason to love this woman – she was a bitch. Alice drew from the love that was inside her already, and it was there because it’s always there. Love is what we are. By tapping into that core Alice was able to love this woman without saying a word. The session was done and the woman left.

While Alice prepped her room for another client the receptionist came in and said, “What did you do to her in here? She was an angel.”

Alice had the good fortune to hear second hand that her love had made a difference. We don’t all get that gift. So when you’re giving your love bombs and you don’t know if it’s working – TRUST.

Trust that your love is making a difference. Even if it’s only making a difference in you.

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Love is what you are, and by actively accessing that love you’re accessing the truth of who you are.

*Alice: The name isn’t real. But her love is!

Expectations & The 30 Day Love Explosion

You were excited to start The 30 Day Love Explosion. You began dropping bombs on your chosen one. You noticed how good it felt to express yourself. How easy it was to find something new that you love about this person each day. How fun it was to shower them with your love. It caused you to drop out of your ordinary fast pace for a moment, pay close attention and become present. You appreciated that. It was both joyful and deep.

Then after a week or so you noticed a change. You were less excited about dropping love bombs. You felt disappointed. You began withholding a bit. Little grudges were starting to edge their way in. You even thought about dropping the whole stupid thing. What changed?

In most cases the answer is the same: You changed. You began this adventure by following your heart. You felt the impulse and ran with it. You focused on what you love about your chosen person and you felt enlivened by it. You shared what you loved about them and it made you happy.

Somewhere along the way, subtly, and perhaps without you even noticing your focus shifted from what you love and how to express it, to what you expected in return. Your person didn’t respond the ways you hoped or expected them to. You were disappointed. They let you down. Maybe you even expected them to disappoint you, and so you feel vindicated, but that’s not the same as feeling happy or loving. So how do you get back on track?

First, you gotta own it. Your disappointment has nothing to do with the person you chose.

**Your disappointment is never caused by what someone does or doesn’t do. It comes from your expectations of what they should or shouldn’t do.**

As soon as you realize this you can take the blame off of them. You can use this as a chance to explore expectations you didn’t even know you had. You can examine expectations you have around love and giving. Do you give to get something in return? Do you withhold if you don’t get what you expected?

Where did those expectations begin? So many of our beliefs and expectations began before we could even form sentences. Yet we carry them throughout our lives and let them run our behaviours unconsciously. Becoming aware of them is the first step to transforming.

If you’ve been feeling disappointed by your person’s response (or lack of it), know that it’s not their reactions to your love bombs that’s disappointing you. It’s that your expectations are causing your disappointment.

So, what are you going to do about it? Use this opportunity as a chance to grow your love. Whenever you notice your disappointment rising, know that your expectations are at work. You’re expecting something because there’s something you want, something you need. What is it? Can you be curious and loving and gentle with yourself, as you sit in the discomfort of your own wants and needs?

And when you discover what you want and need, can you give it to yourself – Before you give love to anyone else, can you love yourself?

People don’t disappoint you. Disappointment comes from your expectations of people.

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