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Category: Blog

Tune for a Tuesday Afternoon #4

A few days ago, just as the sun was rising, I headed east on highway 10, with the ocean in my rearview mirror. I was struck by the beauty of the mountains straight ahead. It looked as if a giant hand had carved their dark edges into the bright blue sky with a fine knife. They were so crisp, their outlines so sharp. The mountains are always there, but this day they stood out like they hadn’t in a long time.

And what made the difference was RAIN – Something we don’t get much of in Southern California.

It’s wonderful to live in sunshine almost all year long. But there’s an up and a down to everything, even sunshine. The air here gets thick and heavy. Everything feels dusty. The dryness sucks the life out of my garden and my skin.

But then the rains come. The skies darken, and it pours down.

After rains the air is cleaner. It feels fresh and light. I can see the mountains. My garden is lush and green again.

Driving on this clear day, breathing in this fresh air, I started humming this song below. I can See Clearly Now, sung by my fellow Canadian, Holly Cole.

It seems we all love the look, the feel and the smell after a great rain, but how many of us actually welcome the rain itself. If it’s in the weather or our personal lives, we seem to want 365 days of sunshine, smooth sailing, and easy times. But those rainy days, those stormy times in life are really important. They can wash away the build up you didn’t even notice. They can help you get clear on what matters most to you.

A rainy time for you might come from sickness, feeling stuck at work, bored in your relationships, or financially tight.

When your energy or finances are limited you may have to make tough choices. (I know lots about this). In choosing, you may discover what matters most, and start to live a simpler life you love. When you feel stuck or bored it can stir up your creative juices to do what’s needed to thrive again.

Whatever the rainy time is for you, there’s a gift in it. Rather than shun it while you’re in it and look back with appreciation later, see if you can embrace it while it’s happening.

Dance in the rain if you will. It may be washing something away, so you can feel lighter and freer, breathe deeper and see clearer.

Enjoy,

Love Debra

If someone you know is going through a stormy time, this might help brighten their day.

What the World Series and Presidential Election reminded me to do.

When I left my hometown, I also left The Blue Jays and all things baseball behind. I’d been a big fan, but there was no MLB team in Vancouver and I just got busy with other things.

Almost 30 years later I found myself watching baseball again.

My in-laws all live in Chicago, and they are die-hard Cub Fans. Always have been, even when there was no good reason to be. So you can imagine their excitement when their team made it to the World Series. Each night my 85 year old mother-in-law drove to a sports bar in Skokie to cheer and laugh, drink beer and even cry with fellow fans. I call her the Cubbie Bubbie. My brother-in- law and a couple of cousins even scored seats at the games.

On the final night, my husband and I turned on the game. What I’d forgotten about baseball, one of the things that makes the game great, is The Pause. And when a World Series is on the line, the Pause becomes more, important, poetic and dramatic.

The pitcher connects with the catcher. He Pauses. He takes his time. Takes a breath, winds up and throws an impossibly fast ball. The batter swings and misses. Strike two. He steps away from the plate. He Pauses. He gives himself some time. Stepping forward, he positions himself to swing again. Tension mounts as the game is tied 6 to 6. In the 10th inning the rains pour down. The entire game Pauses for about 15 minutes.

The Cubs go on to win the World Series. After a Pause of 108 years.

In each of those pauses I would breathe, feel my own body, and become more acutely present.

It’s easy to get caught up in our thoughts, worries, emotions and stories. A Pause can bring you back to Peace.

A week after the Cubs great victory I woke to the news of Trump’s win. I was”shocked but not surprised”. I sobbed. Like I’ve never cried over politics before. I was sad and scared. I was afraid that this win would validate misogyny, bigotry, racism and elitism. I feared what would become of my husband’s immigrant students, the Supreme Court, women, the LGBT and black communities, our prison system, and environmentally sensitive areas that house endangered species and natural resources.

Then I Paused. I stopped talking about it. I got off social media. I sat quietly and took a moment by myself. As I felt my breath move in and out I could sense my body’s expression. Tight. Buzzing. Jagged. As I gave each sensation my attention, it morphed into something else. Over time my breath deepened, my body softened and expanded. I was calmer, and connected to myself again.

Nothing had changed. And everything had. I was no longer stuck in the survival panic of my reptilian brain. I was operating from a more evolved part of myself. I was no longer lost in the apocalyptic future my thoughts were building.

After the Pause I was able to love again. I felt stronger and more able to handle the change with an open heart. I could feel the need for kindness, acceptance and tolerance now more than ever. I could feel potential.

When you’re faced with great opportunity or great challenge, PAUSE.
Take a moment just to be.
To breathe.
To feel yourself in a body, that’s alive.

Remembering to Pause when you’re under great stress can be challenging. If you don’t practice Pausing regularly, you can only hope you’ll have enough awareness to override your own biology – the ancient fight-flight-freeze response of your nervous system. That’s sort of like hoping you’ll figure out how to swim once your boat capsizes in the ocean.

If you want to be able to Pause when you need it, I suggest you Pause when you don’t, just like practicing swimming before you head out to sea. You’ll be able to draw on your practice when you need it most.

This week, try Pausing several times a day. Set up reminders for yourself. Pause before every email your write, or every time you sit down, or at every red light. Just pay attention to your breath. Experience your body’s sensations, even as they change. Let your eyes look around. Then notice how your body feels.

Though it only takes a moment, the Pause has a way of slowing life down, bringing things into focus, and connecting you to yourself in a way that being busy never can.

It might be interesting to write about your experience each night, and at the end of a week look back on how it went. I’d love to hear how it goes.

Love Debra

If you know someone who’s facing a lot these days, please share this with them, so they can benefit from a Pause.

What would your alternate life teach you?

A few weeks ago, at the LA Dance Collective, I tapped into my alternate life and set my inner Go-Go Girl free.
She’s playful and fun. She twirls and whirls with her eyes closed. Flits from one partner to another, like a happy hummingbird.

I recognized my alternative life a few years ago.

One day I wondered what I’d be doing now if I wasn’t living this life, with my man in our tiny cottage by the beach, coaching clients, gardening, and taking long walks. That’s when I imagined myself as a go-go dancing dj who brings homemade cupcakes to every event. I could see it, feel it, and taste it, vividly. It made me giddy and light up from within.

(I think my mom had secretly been grooming me for this life. When I was little she would serve me chocolate cake for breakfast and we’d dance in the living room before school every morning. We had matching white, wet-look go-go boots, and purple suede mini skirts. My mom was even a dj part time. Yet, somehow I went straight into business. I must be such a disappointment to her.)

Ok, back to what I was saying…

Signs of my alternate life show up in this life all the time:

For years I’ve been creating soundtracks for friends ~ for their weddings, trips to Paris, studies, and tough times.
I hear a song that feels like someone I love, and I send it to them right away.
When invited to a dinner party, I volunteer dessert. (and usually make too much)
I connect to myself by dancing with my eyes closed, whether I’m home alone or on a dance floor.

Whenever this alternate life calls my attention, I know it wants to teach me something.

When it possessed me on Saturday, I wondered what part of my Go-Go Dancing, Baking, DJ self is not being expressed?

I danced, and listened and heard:

Let Go. MORE!
Have Fun. MORE!
Express yourself. MORE!

Those big directives can be inspiring, but I like real specific, simple directions. So, one Tuesday when it was sweltering hot, and I had a song going through my mind, my Go-Go Self wanted to post it on my blog. Just because it would be fun.

So I posted it.

Then I posted another, a song Eric Lowen wrote after being diagnosed with ALS.

The third time, a song was running through my mind after the second Presidential debate. I was reluctant to post that one, but I realized that in my alternative life, I would post it. So I did.

We’ve all got Alternate lives. What’s yours?

Painting in Paris?
Tracking with the Kalahari Bushmen?
Teaching 5th graders?
Racing sports cars?

If you don’t know what your alternate life is, take some time to imagine and feel into it.

It’s the life you’d be living if you didn’t have this one. Let your mind run wild. If you have trouble imaging anything different, remember what you dreamed of doing when you were just a kid. Before any grown ups gave you their advice.

To discover what your alternate life wants to teach you:

1. Imagine yourself living that life.

2. Notice what it would give you that this life isn’t offering right now.

3. Decide how you can bring some of that feeling into this life?
(You don’t have to ditch your job or raffle off the kids.You just have to think of a simple thing you can do to feel the way you feel in your alternate life.)

4. Commit to doing that one thing this week.

5. Keep doing it, and you’ll discover what your alternate life wants to teach you.

I’d love to hear about your alternate life, and what it reveals to you!

Love Debra

Tune for a Tuesday Afternoon #3

Elections can be such polarizing events.

I can easily get defensive of my position, sure of my rightness, and think you’re an idiot for your choice of candidates.

Or I can open my heart and be vulnerable. I can feel that under my posturing and anger, there is fear. And it gets in the way of love every time.

I mostly avoid the news, but I checked in for a few minutes of the Presidential debate Sunday night.

While I wanted to focus on differences, I couldn’t help but see similarities. Not to each other, but to me.

I wondered where all that hate had come from. Why would someone scorn people just because they look different, have other beliefs, speak a “foreign” language or are the opposite sex?

And I had to look at myself. Underneath my own disdain for the candidate there was fear. Fear that the results of this election could create more derision and division in this country. That we might widen the gap between the powerful, and the powerless and fuel more hatred and violence.

Hate’s not the opposite of love. Fear is. Hate is a secondary emotion that we often use to cover our fear. It makes us feel (artificially) stronger.

Feeling our fear makes us vulnerable. And we don’t generally like that. But vulnerability can lead to truth and intimacy.

So if I want to be truthful, I admit that this candidate is making me turn and face my own fear, and my desire to hurt. Though I’ve stopped myself, I’ve wanted to share nasty jokes about him, and dish the dirt when his name comes up. I have to remember that he’s a human with fears and insecurities that show up as posturing, armoring and bullying.

And I’m doing the very same thing in my mind when I think about him.

Realizing that gave me compassion: For the young child who perhaps didn’t have his own true nature reflected back to him in loving ways. Who maybe wasn’t taught that he’s enough, and doesn’t have to put anyone down to know his own worth.

Compassion: For myself. That I lose touch with who I really am, believe I’m separate from others and feel I have to fight to prove I’m right.

Alternate Routes, wrote this song, Nothing More, and have been using it to raise funds for the non-profit, Newton Kindness. This organization was created by the parents of six year old, Charlotte Bacon, who was shot and killed by a 20 year old who opened fire at Sandy Hook Elementary, just before Christmas, 2012. Joel and JoAnn Bacon faced a parents’ worst fear, not with hatred, but with love. Their organization teaches and promotes kindness and tolerance to young children, as a way to honor their daughter’s life.

It would be easy to turn this man into a monster, and make him the enemy, but he too was a human being with great pain. There’s nothing we can do to save the victims now. But we can remember that in each of us there is potential for great love, and how we treat each other matters.

So, when I catch myself feeling disgusted by a candidate, I’m going to pray for them, for me and for all of us. Because We are how we treat each other… and Nothing more.

 

Love Debra

 

Tune for a Tuesday Afternoon #2

I’m learning things I haven’t wanted to learn. Back-end, technical stuff that doesn’t exactly turn my crank. But I want to share my new book with you, so I’m learning, I’m growing, and stumbling through. My desire to share with you is bigger than my resistance to technology, so I’m choosing to learn.

I’m committed to continually growing in different ways. To do that I have to do three things.

1. Be willing to fail.
2. Ask for help.
3. Receive the help.

When I was a baby learning to walk, I bumped into things, looked clumsy and fell on my ass… A LOT. People had to show me how it was done, again and again and again. These same people picked me up when I fell.

Going through my learning curve reminded me of this song, Learning to Fall, by Lowen and Navarro.

In 2004, Eric Lowen was diagnosed with ALS, a disease that would weakened his muscles, slur his speech and impede his breathing over time. Lowen knew he was going to have to learn new ways live, to be and to receive as the disease progressed. He’d have to let people help, and pick him up when he’d fall. He wrote this song after receiving his diagnosis.

He kept learning, and the duo played for five more years, performed 250 concerts and released three albums. Eric Lowen died in 2012. He was 60.

If you want to grow, you have to let yourself fall. And let people help.

Love Debra

Everything You Do is Selfish

Everything you do is Selfish.

The sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.

I don’t mean you’re some terrible a**hole, only thinking about yourself.

I’d bet money that you’re a good person, hard working, and you do lots for others. But even the things you do “for others” come from a selfish motivation – you want to feel good.

We’re all hard-wired for pleasure. It doesn’t mean we’re hedonists, but we all want to feel good.

Whether it’s conscious or unconscious, you do things because doing them makes you feel better than not doing them.

You care for your aging parents, help a struggling co-worker, feed your crying baby in the middle of the night, or pick up trash on the street that you didn’t toss, because doing those things make you feel better than not doing them.

Right now you may rolling your eyes and giving me a big fat “Ya but… there are things I have to do, I can’t avoid them, and I wouldn’t choose them. I’ve got obligations.”

Let me say it again: You’re doing all of them for selfish reasons. And the sooner you accept that the happier you’ll be.

You visit your grumpy aunt Bessie out of a sense of obligation. There’s no fun in it for you. You do it for her.
Really: Visiting her frees you of guilt, and right now that feels better than doing something else.

Even though you’re busy, you volunteer at hospice care, regularly. People think you must be a saint.
Reality check: The honesty, intimacy and quiet you experience in that time touches you deeply and feeds your soul.

You’re staying in a loveless marriage, sacrificing your own happiness, for the sake of your kids.
Truth is: Right now you’re choosing to keep things stable for your kids, because that feels better to you than uprooting them.

Your self is the center of everything you do.

Having said that, I’d like to contradict myself right now:

There actually are times of total selflessness. Those times when you’re so absorbed in what you’re doing that you lose your sense of being a separate individual. You become one with life.

It’s the composer who merges with the music as it pours out of her. The dancer who becomes the dance – is being danced – as his movements create the dance. It’s the hockey player who loses himself in the game, and becomes so attuned to the puck that he’s always where the puck is going. It’s the meditator who completely dissolves and becomes the whole universe.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls this state Flow. Mystics call it the Awakened State.

You’ve probably experienced this state of selflessness at times in your life. It’s freeing to lose your sense of self. It’s enlivening to merge with the energy of life. But how many of us live in that state?

Mostly we all live as if we’re separate, experiencing life from inside ourselves. And in that state everything we do is selfish.

If you’re willing to accept that, you can bring peace to everything you do. Here’s how:

  1. See everything you do as Your Choice.

  2. If you feel like you have to do something you don’t want to do, find the real reason you’re doing it. It may be several steps removed from what you’re doing now. It may be buried deep under some resistance or boredom. You’ll find your motivation down there.

  3. Listen to your language and change it to match your desire. If you say “I have to…”, switch it out for “I want to…”, “I’m going to…” or “I choose to…” Language matters. How you talk to yourself can change the way you feel.

“I have to do the dishes” becomes “I want to do the dishes”. In that moment you may not feel that you want to, but underneath your resistance, you can feel your desire to wake up to a clean kitchen. So you choose to do the dishes, because you want that more than you want to wake to a mess in the morning.

 

Tune for a Tuesday afternoon.

 

This song kept coming to mind as I walked a few miles on the sizzling sidewalk.

It not quite 107 degrees today, but it feels like it could be. This song matches my pace today.

Stay Cool. Enjoy.

107 Degrees. Citizen Cope.

Share it with someone else who’s trying to beat the heat today!

Waiting… as a Portal to Presence.

Everything was perfect.
He arrived exactly when he said he would.
He lifted her bike onto the roof of his car, and deftly secured it in place.
They drove out of the city, the sun rising between apartments, above houses, then over the fields.

An hour later they arrived.
He unloaded the bikes and they were off.
They rode through the trails until they reached the lake.
No one else was around.

A picnic brunch, including champagne.
Long talks, laughter, and a languid drive home.

He hadn’t raised the bar on first dates. He’d captured the bar and totally demolished it.

She sent a heart-felt thank you text shortly after getting home. and then…

Nothing.
Not a word.

So, she found herself…..

Waiting. And Waiting. And Waiting.

Not just that day, but the next day, and the one after that.

By the time we had our coaching call, she’d been waiting for days.

I asked her what else she’d been doing. NOTHING, she said. Which wasn’t totally true. She’d gone to work, cleaned her apartment, practiced yoga, made meals, eaten them, run with a buddy, showered and slept a few times, and told the story to some close friends. But she was just going through the motions, as if in a dream. Her life was a watery background to the waiting.

Waiting was consuming her like a disease.

I encouraged her to feel her feelings. There were many, hiding behind the confusion of trying to figure out what was happening, and what went wrong. And then I told her to STOP WAITING!!!

Waiting can be torture.

Whether you’re waiting for the bus, a call after the interview, the test results for that mysterious lump, the snow to thaw, or your friend who’s always late ~ waiting has a way of messing with your mind.

You give power to whatever you’re waiting for, and let it control how you feel.
You treat some imagined future moment as better, or more important, than the one you’re experiencing now.
You put your life on hold (for a few minutes or years), going through the motions, until that thing finally happens.

But here’s how waiting can work for you ~

Make a decision to Never Wait Again.

Next time you notice you’re waiting – for the coffee to brew, the line to move, or your kid to come home from the party – let that nudge you to come back from your thoughts into where you really are. Notice what you’re doing and give yourself to it fully.

Feel the cup in your hand, the sun on your face, the shower water hitting your body. Close your eyes and taste the food in your mouth. Let your eyes look around, and notice where you are. Even if you’re checking up on whatever you’re waiting for, bring all your attention to what you’re doing right now.

If thoughts keep pulling you in the imaginary world of waiting, try this to come back to what’s real:

  1. Slow down whatever you’re doing so that you can feel it fully.
  2. Notice your breath moving in and out of your body.
  3. Feel your feet touching the floor, if you’re standing.

When you bring your attention to where you’re at in this moment, waiting dissolves into the background.

Bring yourself back to right now every time you notice you’re waiting, and you’ll eventually access the state of peace that’s underneath. It’s always there, like the sun hiding behind the clouds.

Try a NO WAITING EXPERIMENT for the next 30 days.

Every time you catch yourself saying or thinking “I’m waiting for…”, bring yourself completely back to what you’re doing here and now. The 3 simple steps above can help.

PS. She stopped waiting. She got back into her life, her relationships, and her work. She let herself grieve – the loss of the future she’d created with him in her mind. She began appreciating all that she had and let herself enjoy it. She even appreciated the perfection of that date and let it go.  He never got back to her. It would have been a long wait.

 My e-book is full of simple practices to connect you to the pleasure of being present in your life.

It will be here soon.01-ipad-flat-mockup
You don’t have to wait.
I’ll let you know when it’s ready.

Love Debra

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you know someone who’s waiting, please share this with them right away!
Maybe they’ll join you in your 30 day NO WAITING EXPERIMENT.

This deadly sin might just save your soul.

Ever heard of the Seven Deadly Sins?

Over the past few months I’ve noticed one of the these deadly sins showing up in my client calls, with some regularity. And you know what happens when you think of yourself as a sinner? Shame comes rushing in.

Shame likes everything to look neat and tidy. It hates the messiness of being human. So it brushes the debris of sin under the carpet where it can be forgotten. But dang, that just make things worse.

You end up tripping over it again and again.

What works a whole lot better is taking the rug out into the daylight and giving it a good shake.

“OOOH”, you think. “I don’t want everyone seeing my dirt”. I hear ya. That’s why you do it in private. Or with a trusted partner, who’ll hold the other end of the carpet, and cheer as the sin debris flies free.

The sin that’s been creating lumps under the carpet for my clients lately is Envy. You may know her by her pet name, Jealousy.

Whatever you call it, we’ve all experienced it. I certainly have! And it feels like crap. But sweeping it under the rug doesn’t make it go away. And pretending it isn’t there only trips you up.

A client, let’s call her Evelyn, was envious of her friend Jenny’s success. Jenny’d just been picked to be a back up singer for a hugely successful band. She was about to embark on a world tour that could be life-changing.

Evelyn was thrilled. She was inspired by how hard Jenny had worked to make her dream come true. She also felt relieved. The life of an artist can be a struggle. Lots of times Evelyn worried about how Jenny was going to pay her rent. This gig was going to make things easier for Jenny, and that made Evelyn so happy.

She was feeling all sorts of positive emotions about her friends success. She loved her like a sister. She was excited, but she was also jealous. 

Jealousy kept killing her joy. And long with the jealousy came shame.

“How could I be jealous of my best friend?” Evelyn questioned. “I feel awful. Even though I’m excited and I know she’s earned it, I’m so embarrassed to admit it but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want her to have it” Evelyn was ashamed of how she felt. She thought it made her a bad person. It was challenging for her to even tell me about it, afraid that I would judge her.

I asked if we could look a little more closely at the jealousy, rather than sweep it away. She was tentative, but willing.

She was most upset that she could be thrilled for her friend and also not want her to have this success. We teased apart these seemingly opposing feelings by first exploring the beliefs she had about Jenny’s opportunity to go on tour.

What might it mean to Evelyn? With a bit of time to sink into her own body’s sensations, she could feel her fear. While on tour Jenny wouldn’t have as much time to connect. Evelyn might feel lonely. Jenny might change and not be the sweet understanding friend that she is now. She might meet all kinds of new people she liked better. Evelyn might be abandoned. Evelyn was just afraid of losing Jenny’s love. I helped her see this was perfectly natural. We all have a need to be loved.

Then we looked at the envy head on. I encouraged her not to be all polite and sophisticated about her feelings but to be as honest and straightforward as a kid might be. Just say what came up without filtering. She said things like, “I want that.” “It’s not fair” “Me Too”.

With a little investigation, it soon became clear that Evelyn didn’t really want to join a band. She had no desire to be trapped in a bus with a bunch of other people, eating road food and sleeping in hotels. She didn’t even want to be onstage in front of thousands of screaming fans.

What she did want was a chance to be heard, to make an impact, to be acknowledged.

Turned out Evelyn wanted to write a book, but she’d never had the courage to do it. She knew she had something worth sharing but was afraid she might not be a good enough writer. With some support in facing her fears she decided to take a writing class to start building her confidence and her craft.

That would move her in the direction of writing her book, but it didn’t guarantee she’d be heard, make an impact, or be acknowledged.

I had Evelyn imagine her book was published. It was making a huge impact. She was getting all sorts of acknowledgement for it. As she imagined this, I asked her to describe how she was feeling. She said, “Generous. Kind. Patient. Accepting. Beautiful. Smart. Open. Strong.”

I asked her how she’d treat herself if she was all of those things. 

Ah, there’s the rub.

Turns out she’d treat herself quite differently. She’d dedicate more time to doing the things she wants to do.  She’d sleep more. She’d be on social media less and in nature more. She’d let go of some old relationships. She’d even shop at different stores and wear different clothes.

There were many things she’d change, but I had her pick the one change, that if she did only that, it would make all other changes easier. She chose it. She committed to it. I supported the change. It’s transforming her life.

You see the deadly sin of envy could very well be your soul speaking to you. It might be your highest calling showing you a glimpse of what you haven’t been willing to face head on.

Next time you feel envious (or jealous) you can use it as a way to hear your soul calling you.

Don’t judge yourself. Get curious.

  1. If someone achieves, or has, something you want, ask yourself what part of that you want for yourself?
  2. Give yourself time to imagine that you have it; whether it’s a passionate lover, a brilliant mind, beautiful body, wonderful career, or whatever it is you want?
  3. How would having what that person has, make you feel? Notice the sensations in your body.
  4. Then ask, how would you treat yourself differently if you felt that way?
  5. If there are many things you’d change, just choose ONE. Make sure it’s The One. You’ll know it.
  6. That’s the one your soul wants for you!

If you don’t want someone else to have something, be curious again. What do you believe will happen to you if they have it?

By staying curious you’ll get to the core of your fear, and on the other side of that fear there is love. There is always love.

So let yourself be totally jealous, green with envy. And then listen to what your soul wants you to know.

 

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Learning how to deal with “unpleasant” emotions is one of the benefits you’ll get from reading my upcoming book, The Power of Pleasure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sign up for my newsletter below and I’ll be sure to let you know when it’s available this fall. I’ll also send you a free taste of what the book has in store for you.

What’s better than having good boundaries?

 If you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick, doing more than you said you would, or your personal space is being invaded, you may think you need better boundaries. Think again.

I’m not against boundaries. They’re a necessary step in development, so you don’t spend all your time in other people’s business where you don’t belong, or with other people all up in your business where they don’t belong.

I learned appropriate boundaries late in life. I was so enmeshed in other people’s needs and desires that I rarely said no when asked for something. When I did say no, I felt guilty. A few decades ago, my therapist took me through simple exercises to experience where I ended and the rest of the world began. Pretty rudimentary stuff that every child should know, but somehow I’d missed that essential step.

Boundaries are important. They define and delineate. They separate countries, cities and neighbors. We build them with walls, fences, intentions and actions. We maintain them and defend them, sometimes with our lives. In certain situations boundaries are exactly the right thing. But not always.

When clients tell me they want better boundaries, it’s usually because someone, somehow, did them wrong. They feel like a victim. They don’t want that to happen again, so they want to build a big fat wall to keep the problems out. But there are a couple of problems with the big fat wall:

  1. It doesn’t fix the past. So it doesn’t address what’s making you feel like a victim.
  2. The big fat wall might not work in all situations.
  3. It can be exhausting to keep propping up the wall.
  4. The wall doesn’t just keep others out, it keeps you boxed in.

When I ask clients to describe someone they admire for having good boundaries, they say serious, strong, disciplined. The words I have yet to hear in these descriptions are fun, joyful, energized, loving, or spontaneous.

When I help clients get to the root of how this other person did them wrong, we can almost always find that the problem began when my clients first wronged themselves. She agreed to do something that didn’t feel quite right, but she didn’t honor that feeling. He accepted less money for his work than he wanted, and resents it now. She takes care of everyone else first, hoping someone will take care of her in return. She wants her mom to stop calling every morning at 7:00am, but picks up the phone whenever it rings. They say they want one thing, but behave differently. Their words and actions are muddled and confused.

So what’s better than boundaries?

Clarity. It comes from knowing who you are, and being true to yourself.

Clarity requires that you slow down. Discover your deepest desires. Pay attention to that feeling you get that suggests something’s not quite right. Take time to imagine what would feel right.

Clarity demands that you love yourself. You take care of yourself and treat yourself well. You fill your cup first. The more you love yourself, the clearer you get. When you treat yourself lovingly, it’s easy to love others. Boundaries can dissolve with the clarity that love brings.

Getting clear requires more awareness upfront, but requires a lot less work later on. Rather than continuing to define and defend your boundaries, you get to live spontaneously, in the way you want to live, as you evolve. And you’ll be amazed to discover that when you are clear, the world responds to your clarity in kind.

With Clarity your choices originate from love, and truth, and living in the moment.

Boundaries are rigid. Clarity is dynamic.  Here’s how this might look in the real world?

Boundary = Nobody should phone you before 7:00am. You want others to respect that boundary. Clarity = You answer the phone whenever you want. You turn the ringer off when I don’t want to be disturbed. If you’re in the middle of something else, you don’t let the phone interrupt.

Boundary = Your rate is $150.00 an hour. Period. Asking you to work for less crosses your boundary. Clarity = Your rate is $150.00 an hour. Sometimes you’re inspired to support someone by working for less. In those cases you do it joyfully.  Sometimes you offer your skills for free. Other times you charge more than your usual rate. People can ask you for whatever they want. You’ll respond with what’s right for you.

Life is always bursting through boundaries. So when you try to defend your boundaries you may find you’re fighting with life.

Your true nature is limitless. When you’re clear about that, there’s no need for boundaries.

Is there an area in your life where you feel you need boundaries?  What might clarity do for you instead?

I’d love to hear your ideas on this in the Comments below.