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Category: Blog

Money as a Love Story.

I met Joel Solomon just before he invested in our business, SPUD, which provides online home delivery of organic, local, sustainable foods. Catching up with him on a path snaking through the woods of Hollyhock Retreat Center, on Cortes Island, BC,  I nervously introduced myself. He responded, “What are your politics?“

I’d never been asked that before, and frankly I’d never thought about it. I was much more of a doer than a thinker. I blurted out “I believe corporations are the most powerful source of change. I only see that growing. I’m working on shifting the course for good, from within.” That 15 second exchange probably sealed our fate.

This week I was delighted to sit back and crack open his new book, The Clean Money Revolution: Reinventing Power, Purpose, and Capitalism

Believe me when I tell you, this is no ordinary book about money and power. Though you’ll read about corporate greed, environmental destruction, and political corruption, and you’ll understand how money has systematically moved America’s democracy into more of an oligarchy, the book is surprisingly uplifting and provides enough direction to give you hope, and more importantly – actions to create a better world. Part memoir, part how-to guide, this book is in many ways a love story. A story only Joel Solomon is uniquely fit to tell.

Over the years I’ve been fortunate to know Joel as a patient investor (in two businesses), an inspiring boss, (when I worked with him and Carol Newel, and Martha Burton, in the early days of their seed fund, Renewal Partners),  a fun playmate, generous mentor, strategic match-maker, risk-taker, goofy dancer, late night drummer, truster of people, supporter of artists, activists, and long time friend.

Though Joel admits to writing this book from a position of privilege, as a middle aged rich white guy,  Joel’s got more vast and varied life experience than anyone I know.  In our first meeting he told me about his 500 year plan. Though it was a metaphor, he really wasn’t kidding. He’s equally at home as the best dressed man at a boardroom table, or foraging for food on a deserted island. He’s studied French Intensive Bio-dynamic gardening, worked on Jimmy Carter’s campaign, granted $50 million to environmental groups through Endswell Foundation, and is the Chairman and Co-founder of Renewal Funds, investing $98m of other peoples’ money in organics and enviro tech companies in the US andCanada. His personal experience alone makes the book worth reading. But you’ll get much more than that.

Joel says, “…. money has no values of it’s own. Money doesn’t account for fairness, justice, beauty, consciousness, or love. That’s our role, and it’s ever more crucial that we assume it. We need to start to talk about money in ways that dethrone it and make it subject to human ethics and standards of love and decency.”

So let’s talk.

Debra: Joel, congratulations on your book. It’s quite a feat. Was writing a book ever part of your 500 year plan?

 Joel:  The idea of a 500 Year Plan certainly is supported by my book, “The Clean Money Revolution: Reinventing Power, Purpose & Capitalism”. I reflect a lot about our responsibility, and obligation, to think about true security, where ecology, soil, species, and the very biosphere that makes life for people possible, can thrive forever. We have a stewardship responsibility that we ignore at peril.

My intention is to raise consciousness around these long term responsibilities, and how we can use money in a more regenerative way, rather than investing in damage and destruction. We have lost too much sense of our past and future. We must think long term, for the chance of a good future for the generations to follow us.

Debra: Why a ‘revolution’?

Joel: I use the word revolution as a wake up call. It’s a revolution of mind set, or actively choosing, or owning the truth of what we do to other people and places by owning, investing, and making choices with money.

We are fighting complacency, accepting old norms, and neglecting to ask serious questions, demand better financial and consumer products, and leaving money in hands that we would never trust our personal matters to. Yet, our money can be a powerful force for good.

We must wake up, empower ourselves around the wealth management hypnosis of “maximum financial return, regardless of who and what is damaged”, and make choices that align with our values, mission and purpose as people.

We may be kind, respectful, and help people directly. Can we let our money support slavery, poison other people’s children, and start wars?

Debra: Who’d you write this book for?

Joel:

  • People with affluence and money.
  • Their children, who stand to inherit $50 Trillion by 2050 in NorthAmerica alone.
  • The wealth advisors.
  • Super motivated young people considering and navigating the careers they will enter.

 

Debra: Your life takes really interesting twists and turns, all the different routes mysteriously  weaving together to take you where you are today.  How did the study and practice of French Intensive Bio-dynamic gardening, or the study of Orcas, prepare you to be a mission based investor and philanthropist?

Joel: All my adventures and experiences added elements to who Ive become.

From exposure to French Intensive Bio-dynamic gardening, I learned a lot about complexity and diversity as essential strengths, awareness of the cosmic elements, beneficial relationships between plants, insects, birds, etc., the sacredness of soil, and hard work.

The life, habitats, and patterns of Orcas, the largest brained mammal on the planet, reveal a quite advanced language, social system, mutual support, and intelligence, in another species, as a quite obvious example that can be found throughout nature.

My diagnosis with a degenerative form of kidney disease, took me to imagining my death bed, pondering my legacy, and deciding to live as if on that death bed mindset, and consider each day precious, each interaction sacred, and to align my life the best I can , with principles I am proud of and would hope to share.

Debra: Though you deal a lot with investors and philanthropists, how can someone earning under $100,000 a year, just trying to raise their kids and save for retirement, play a role in the Clean Money Revolution?

Joel:

  • Consider banking with a Credit Union and keep your money mostly in your community.
  • Buy food that aligns with your values.
  • Shop at locally owned stores where jobs and wealth stay in your community.
  • Read labels and protect your family safety and health.
  • Research companies that make products you might buy.
  • Find out what is in them, how workers are treated, and what environmental damage may be done. Learn about the practices of companies, institutions, and professionals you engage with.
  • Talk to friends and ask how they figure this out. Share what you know.

 

Debra: I’ve worked alongside enough activists to know that fighting the good fight can lead to pretty serious burnout. From working with you, I learned the importance of having fun. How the heck can people have a good time with this revolution?

Joel: Start with inner skills practices. We must examine our own feelings, sensations, and thoughts, discovering the awareness possible. Awareness first, then choice is possible.

Explore mortality. As clear eyed as we can be about the inevitable reality of death, the more fully we can live today.

Gratitude practice, ideally daily, can increase our clarity of choice in how we respond, interpret, and act, on a good outlook that empowers self love, compassion for others, and sense of larger responsibility.

Maintaining joyous physical activity, as well as other intentional practices for keeping the body vibrant and flexible, helps.

Learning adaptive response and fluid approach to challenges, hurts, disappointments, and blockages, improves resilience, wisdom, and mastery that assists in joy.

Flow and glow.

Debra: I love that! And I loved the chapter on Evolutionary Leadership. These principles apply whether you’re leading a business, a community, your family, or directing your own life path. In it you say, “Consciousness practices grow clean money revolutionaries!” Can you explain that a bit?

Joel: Consciousness opens opportunity for choice. Empowered living can follow. Aligning money with values, meaning, and purpose, is our joyous duty.

As it becomes clear to us the role of money, its positive power to cause and fuel change, and realization that there is more than enough money on the planet to solve most all our challenges, we become clear on the need to shift trillions of dollars from damaging uses to regeneration.

Debra: So, there’s enough money, but is there the will?  I was amazed to read in your book that, “…the average amount the entire world needs to invest in clean energy annually to hit the 2-degree target of the Paris Climate Conference is only 7 percent more than American citizens invest in car loans each year.” Since clean energy yields more jobs per dollar than fossil fuel energy, it’s unthinkable that we lack the political will to make a change that seems like a no-brainer. What can we as individuals do?

Joel: Our responsibility as individuals is to be in lifelong learning, loyalty to future generations, and stewardship of the commons. Health of ecosystems, human relationships, are the base for global stability and effective societies.

Examine the self. Ask questions. Be informed. Improve that which we can influence. Give younger people all the insight we can. Be models. Make conscious choices. Live our values. Know our meaning and embrace our purpose.

Remember the future. Be all in for the chance of good ways for future generations. We are the ancestors who are making a good world for those who follow.

Debra: I’ve always been impressed with your ability to ask questions that get people thinking and acting from a wiser, more authentic part of themselves. What questions can we ask to open the conversation about clean money?

Joel: Where is our money, what is it doing to people and places, right this minute?  Is my money representing the values I hold dearest? Our name is on our money. Are we ok if with that money, we may own slaves, poison other peoples’ babies, and start wars, simply to earn a higher return rate?

The financial system can do better. We have the power to ensure money is used for creating a clean, green, more just civilization.

The time is now. 30-50 trillion dollars will change hands over the next 3 decades, from older people to younger ones. Now we have access to vast information. We have the tools and ingenuity, and the money, to solve the major problems facing us today.

It’s time to ask questions and invent and support better answers to how money is a force for good, ready to be unleashed for the long term true security of civilization.

Love and intention are the raw material for a good future for all.

Consider being a billionaire of good deeds. You may find you are also a billionaire of love.

Debra: Ah, it always comes back to love. Thanks so much Joel.

Get your copy here and join The Clean Money Revolution.

Then Spread the Love by Tweeting it out:

Join me in The Clean Money Revolution with @joelsolomon

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The Clean Money interview with @joelsolomon & @debrajoy

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Is money the missing part of your love story? find out with @joelsolomon

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Tune for a Tuesday Afternoon #7

At some point in your life you feel like you don’t belong. 

Transferring to a new school mid-term, starting your first day on a job, finding your way into a conversation at a cocktail party, siting at the Christmas table with your in-laws, learning another new language a few months into your trek through Asia, scrolling everyone’s cropped, filtered, and perfected social media posts.

Sometimes this lack of belonging comes from external circumstances. And sometimes it’s just an inside job. No matter where it begins, that sense that you don’t belong is part of the human experience. It can be fleeting, or last a life time.

This winter, I headed up to Washington to start renovations on our new house, a week before my husband was to join me. Before I left, my friend Tara sent me this song; Home by Phillip Phillips (why someone with the last name Phillip names there son Phillip is a whole other conversation we should have some day).  The song was perfect.

Even though I’d spent only a few days there before buying a house, this little town felt like home to me. Before I even arrived I hired a contractor who treated me like a daughter, looking out for my best interests, investigating ways to save me money, shopping for things I wouldn’t know how to find. My painter Ben took such good care that I felt myself relax from our first email exchange. Even the folks at Home Depot called me by name and Rick in the paint department gave me a Christmas card and home-made fudge. My neighbor Kathy told me who to call for water and recycling, taught me the history of my house and its owners, and brought me to my first town meeting. She also hemmed all my curtains and made me laugh. Sue and Clare who own the bed and breakfast down the street, treated me to the most delicious breakfasts, loving conversations and true kindness. Farmer Clark introduced me to his pigs and walked me through his renovated barn with  pride.

I can’t remember a time I’d been so immediately embraced, and yet..

On December 19th, during the darkest and coldest time of the year, I was alone in a strange house with furnace problems and a long night ahead of me. Back in LA my husband and friends were at Nancy and Brain’s annual Christmas party. They’d be chatting and laughing in their fancy clothes, softly lit by dozens of twinkling candles, drinking fabulous cocktails and eating delicious food. I wanted to be there. I didn’t belong here.  Even though everything up till that moment had felt so right, suddenly it all felt so wrong. When the sun rose all was well again. But the memory of that black hole in my solar plexus is strong.

I’ve learned that you’ll never know what’s going on in the lives of most people you come across, and everyone’s going through something.

Someone you’ll come across today feels like they don’t belong. You can’t change all the circumstances in their life, but you can make a difference in the moment:

  • Give up a seat. Hold a door open.
  • Let someone cut in front of you.
  • Shake hands. Hug. Wave from across the street.
  • Smile. Make eye contact. Say thank you.
  • Listen.
  • Invite her – to join your table, come to your party, have a say at the meeting.
  • Make her favorite dish.
  • Learn some words in his language.
  • Protect them. Defend their rights.

What has made you feel like you belong? What will you do today to make others feel they belong? I’d love to hear your ideas and experience in the comment section.

Right now there are people who’ve lived their whole lives in your neighborhood and suddenly feel like they don’t belong. People who use to love coming to this country, (including Canadian school children), now feel unsafe to do so. 

As our current administration tries to normalize hate and bigotry you can choose to be force of love. Above are some ideas of what you can do individually. And this link shows what a small town is doing collectively, as a response to an incident that happened in a school.

If we want to be open-minded, civil and loving, we have to be conscious.  

Good and evil both start small … and grow.

Whether you agree with me or not. Love or hate what I’m saying and doing. YOU BELONG HERE.

Love Debra

Before you do anything for Earth Day, do this…

Whether you’re participating in a rally, celebrating at home, or forgot all about it until just now, here’s a simple little something I invite you to do as your own intimate celebration of earth. And it will only take a minute.

Go outside.
Take off your shoes.
Stand where you are.
Feel the earth through your feet.

Bring all your awareness down into your feet. Feel your soles touching the earth. Is it grass you feel, or rock or sand? Let your body rest into it. Feel the texture and temperature. Let the earth hold you up.

You’ll be amazed how quickly you’ll be back up in your thoughts, wondering, planning, rushing ahead.

Come back down.
To the only home you’ll ever have.
In this body.
On this earth.

Be in it.
Breathe in it.
Feel your soul in your soles.

You probably spend most of your time in a building, in a car, in shoes and on sidewalks. All of this can disconnect you from the earth and from yourself.

This is a chance to connect to yourself. And connect to this place. Let yourself have it.

As you touch down you’ll become more grounded. When you’re grounded you’ll access the peace that’s within you. When you access the peace inside you, that’s what you’ll share with the world.

So before you do anything on earth day. Take a moment to connect your body to your earth and and feel yourself come back home.

And if by chance you’re feeling a little overwhelmed and hopeless because things seem so batshit crazy right now, it’s good to remember that Earth Day sprung from a tragedy almost 50 years ago. And it created so much good.

Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin witnessed the destruction caused by a massive oil spill off the coast of Santa Barbara in 1969 and got the idea for Earth Day. He gathered energy, expertise and commitment from Republicans, Democrats, experts and educators, to raise the political will to force environmental protection onto the national political agenda.

On April 22,1970, 20 million Americans took to the streets, parks, and auditoriums to demonstrate for a healthy, sustainable environment in massive coast-to-coast rallies. That energy led to the creation of the United States Environmental Protection Agency and the passage of the Clean Air, Clean Water and Endangered Species Acts. Much of what was created by the will of the people is shockingly in danger again.

Yes, there is darkness all around, but that’s when we really get to see the light. You can choose to shine.

Don’t get overwhelmed and try to act from that place.
Feel your feet on the ground. Breathe. Then act from that place, if you choose.

Happy Earth Day.
Love Debra

For simple ways to experience more of the peace, joy and wisdom that are within you, check out my new e-book here. Turns out I’m not the only one who loves it:

‘“I’m about halfway through your book and I’m loving it so far.  Just reading it makes me slow down, take a breath, and start enjoying the moment.” 

~ Elizabeth Walling, LivingTheNourishedLife.com

How to know what you really value.

I bet if I asked you right now what you value most, you’d think for a moment and be able to rattle off the things that are truly important to you.

But how would you know that what you say is true? Just saying that you value something doesn’t make it so. So really, how would you know?

Turns out it’s a great time of year for figuring that out. Not only is it Spring, which is a time of new beginnings and fresh starts, but you either just did your taxes or you’re about to do them. (check out my post that will help you love doing your taxes)

As you look back at your year financially, that will give you one aspect of what you value. You spend your money on things you value, whether you claim them on your taxes or not. If you’ll also look back over your calendar of the last year you’ll get another clear sign of what you value – how you spent your time.

If you say you value something, but don’t spend any energy on it – money, time or other, it probably isn’t something you truly value. It’s a nice concept. Something you care about, something you think you should value, but not truly one of your core values.

If you say you really value time with your family, but your calendar is chock a block full of work, it could be you actually value your work more. There’s no right or wrong with this. It’s just an opportunity to get to your truth. Maybe you have to work most of the time to provide just the basics for your family. You value providing for your family most. If however, your family has much more than they need, you may value your work, and the stuff it provides, more than time with them. There is no right or wrong. Just an opportunity to get clear.

If you value nature, did you get outside much? You value human rights, did you contribute to causes with your time or money? You value your health, did you spent your money on good food and time cooking, moving and getting enough sleep?

If you look over your calendar and your finances you’ll get a pretty clear view of where your values were last year. If you’re surprised to see that how you spent your time and money don’t line up with what you really value, you’ve just become conscious of a disconnect in your life. Now you have the opportunity to align your actions with your values and decrease stress.

Knowing what you truly value right now, (values change over time), and aligning your actions with your values can help you overcome guilt that you “should” value something else. You value what you value. There is no right or wrong.

And if you haven’t done your taxes yet. Here’s a way to elevate the experience.

This is always affecting you, whether you know it or not.

Throughout each day this influences your thinking, sways your judgment, affects your mood, and impacts your relationships.

It can determine whether you feel open, warm and compassionate, or cold and judgmental.

It’s happening right now. Do you know what it is?

As you read this, take a moment to notice what you’re sitting on. Is it a cozy couch, a cushion on the floor, or a hard chair? Now breathe and notice how you feel.

Are you holding anything? A warm mug of tea or a hard plastic phone?  Bring your attention to your hands. Take a few breaths and notice how you feel.

Now do you know what’s affecting you?  Yep – it’s touch.

Every inch of your beautiful body is wrapped in glorious skin. It’s sensitive and strong, and wonderfully responsive. Full of sensory receptors, it’s registering textures and temperatures all the time. Mostly you’re unaware of what’s touching you, but it’s affecting you all the same.

If you want to boost your mood, shift your thinking, or feel more connected, notice what you’re touching first.

Want more trust, compassion and connection in your relationships? It can help to sit in a cozy chair and hold a warm mug of tea or coffee when you connect. The same part of your brain that registers physical temperature also registers interpersonal warmth, so as crazy as it may sound, holding something warm will make you feel warmer towards others.

Find yourself judging your partner and being too rigid in your negotiations? Move out of that hard chair. Notice if anything touching you feels stiff, rough or scratchy. Touching coarse or rigid materials will tilt your judgment and emotions towards those same qualities. Touch something more comfortable and you’ll be kinder. The shift can be subtle, but profound.

Here’s an added benefit of noticing what’s touching you – you’ll become present. And that’s the simplest way to access your true nature, which is peaceful, loving and accepting. Living from that state will bring you joy.

The most direct path to presence is through your body. Just by bringing your attention to what you’re touching, and noticing how it feels, you’ll drop out of thinking, judging and fearing. You’ll be right where you are in this moment. Even a few seconds free of thinking can bring you peace.

Noticing what’s touching you can become a meditation you do throughout the day. You’ll discover often that you’re uncomfortable, but you hadn’t noticed until you paid attention. Your clothes are scratchy, your shoes pinch your feet, your chair is hard and your butt hurts. Being uncomfortable sucks. That would make anyone cranky.

Every time you notice what you’re touching and how it feels, make a choice. Is this how you want to feel? Do you want to shift to feel better? It all starts with awareness.

If you do that throughout the day, you’ll lift your moods, thoughts, and relationships without working too hard.

Here’s a Touch Challenge for this next week.

  • Staring tomorrow: Notice what’s touching you, three times every day. 
  • Pick something to remind you.  Set three alarms on your phone. Or decide to do it during each meal. Etc.
  • Don’t rely on your memory. I promise you it won’t happen. You need to decide on a trigger before you begin.
  • When it’s time to notice what’s touching you, just breathe, bring your attention to what’s touching you, and notice how you feel.
  • Three times a day you’ll become present through your body.

I’d love to hear what you discover. You can comment below.

For more simple ways to access your true nature, and life a life you’ll love, check out my new e-book, The Power of Pleasure

 

 

 

Within Every Loss Lies Your Opportunity to Win.

I don’t watch the Academy Awards every year because they usually don’t hold my interest. But this year, recovering from a little surgery, I snuggled up on the couch with a friend, her dog, my man, and together we watched the spectacle.

And something happened that has never happened before. I’m sure you’ve heard about it, even if you didn’t see it….

LALA Land won the Oscar for Best Picture of the Year. And Then They Lost It.

But within that loss they had a win.

About 60 seconds after producer, Jordan Horowitz, gave his acceptance speech ~ one that encouraged others to use love to champion bold and diverse work that inspires us all towards joy, hope and empathy, he learned that a mistake had been made. His film had NOT won best picture. Moonlight had.

In less than a minute, the ultimate honor in his field was given and then taken away. Any of us in his situation, with millions of people watching, would have been shocked, confused, maybe a bit heartbroken and embarrassed. But as soon as he learned of the mistake he announced it to everyone, held up the card showing Moonlight had won and said, “I’m going to be really proud to hand this to my friends from Moonlight”.

That was the ultimate win of the night. 

Before he offered up his award so quickly and gracefully I had no idea who Jordan Horowitz was. But that moment of love was a true win, and made him memorable. I was glad Moonlight got the award. I loved that film and thought it more deserving. But the bigger winner in my heart was Jordan Horowitz.

All of us have losses. Few will be as public as this one. But many will be deeper:

  • You may lose your job and not know how you’ll support your family.
  • You may lose a loved one and not know how your heart will ever heal.
  • You may lose your civil liberties under a repressive government.
  • You may lose a chance to achieve your dream and believe it’s too late.
  • You may hurt someone’s feelings and lose their trust and respect.
In each of your losses there is an opportunity for you to win.

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I can see how sickness led to a new richer life. I can see how a failed business led me to finding a more fulfilling way to give. I can see how the loss of my first marriage helped me discover who I really am.

Sometimes we can’t see the win within the loss. We are only focused on the loss. We can’t know what would have happened if we’d “won”. We just assume it would have been better.

When you face loss now, you can choose to win by responding with love:

  • You can be afraid, and turn towards love anyway.
  • You can grieve, and feel your love along side it.
  • You can still love your dreams, and nurture them in a new way.
  • You can feel hopeless, and then unite with others to fight lovingly for freedom.
  • You can feel ashamed of hurting someone you care about, then come back to love, forgive yourself, apologize and make amends.

What loss are you experiencing now?  In there lies your opportunity to win. Find it.

For simple practices to live the love that is always inside you, check out my new book: The Power of Pleasure.

The Power of Pleasure is Here!

I’m so excited that my New E-book is ready for you.

Yep, you can get it right HERE and start experiencing The Power of Pleasure in your own life.

My goal has always been to offer you the very simplest routes to presence, joy and peace. I kept editing this book down to be the cleanest, clearest version of itself, until I was sure you’d be able to pick it up, grab a practice quickly, and fit it into your life with ease.

It will give you the most direct path to presence – through your body.

The seven chapters; Breathe, Ground, Touch, Taste, Sleep, Move and Release are full of inspiration, stories, research and super simple steps you can use immediately. They don’t take up extra time (that you really don’t have). But they’ll change your experience of what your already doing.

Chris Papadopoulos, author of Peace and Where to Find it, says, “Debra’s tell-it-like-it-is wisdom and gentle wit entice us to go more deeply into all the things we already do every day only to discover the profound pleasure waiting for us at the core of all experience.”

I’ve also included audio practices that you can download to your phone and use any time you like. Cause sometimes a little guidance is nice.

FIND THE POWER OF PLEASURE HERE.

With love and thanks,
Debra

Tune for a Tuesday Afternoon #6

Except for the yogurt and sauerkraut in my fridge, there’s not much about me that’s cultured.

“Freaky” – yep.
“Fringe-dweller” – it’s been said.
“Different” – Definitely.

I’ve been called many things, but nobody’s ever accused me of being cultured.

But I surprised myself, back in the 90s, when I was walking down Granville Street one evening after a long day of work. I stopped at the Orpheum Theater and saw that the Symphony was playing. I’d made it to my 30s without ever going to the symphony. Maybe my feet were killing me and I needed to sit for a while. Whatever the reason I bought a ticket and found my seat just before the concert began.

Everyone on stage and in the audience made a big fuss over a special guest they had that night. I’d never heard of him, but was thrilled that he was a cellist. Cello’s always been my favorite instrument. Deep and moody, soulful and sweet. It gets me every time.

The cellist was a man named Yo-Yo-Ma.

For the next 90 minutes he grabbed me by the heart and held me rapt. He stroked my back with his bow and caressed my neck with his fingers. I became the cello and he played me. I smiled and wept and sat gap-jawed for most of the show.

So with that luscious memory, I share with you, Your Tune for a Tuesday afternoon.

Yo-Yo Ma playing Gabriel’s Oboe.

It goes well with a cup of tea, a robust red wine, a lover under the covers, your best friend, your favorite chair, a dog at your feet, cat in your lap, or the sweetness of solitude. I’ve also used it to accompany blindfolded sun salutations in the jungles of Mexico.

There are no deep thoughts or insightful messages that go with this Tuesday afternoon Tune. I just wanted to drop some beauty into your lap.

Give yourself the next 2 minutes to tune out whatever’s going on, and tune into this bit of beauty.
Love Debra

 

 

For more moments of pleasure that can draw you deep into presence, click here to check out my new book, The Power of Pleasure

Tune for a Tuesday Afternoon #5

how to be when things go wrong – even horribly wrong

Right now so many of us are feeling that things are going horribly wrong. Millions of people are hurting. It’s hard not to focus on what isn’t working. What’s not going our way. We get riled up and where our focus goes, energy follows.

Whether it’s disasters of a global scale, problems in your neighborhood, or faults you see in yourself or others, at times the world can seem to be crumbling around you. 

Even when things are mostly great – things will appear to go wrong.

On the day of my first wedding we got someone else’s cake. Some poor bride was missing her three level fruit cake with orange lucite pillars and icing flowers of every color. She was stuck with my white on white with chocolate inside.

When buying our house in Washington, we were informed at the last minute on the closing day that we couldn’t get a mortgage because of my legal status. When I went up to begin renovations, the furnace wasn’t working, during the coldest winter they’d had in years. When we finished restoring the old handmade cabinets, the new hinges weren’t strong enough to hold them up. It took over a month to track new ones down from different places.

In my 30’s an illness crippled me with pain and fatigue, and changed the whole direction of the life I passionately loved.

Each time things didn’t go as planned, blessings came in different ways.They often didn’t come right away, but they always came.  Things I couldn’t have expected.

It doesn’t mean I didn’t get bummed out, or feel hurt or angry or sad. But as soon I would breathe, feel my feet on the ground, and become present again, I could feel the immensity of life and the smallness of my plans. The vastness of the unknown, and the limitations of what I believed “should” happen.

What I’ve discovered over and over again is that each time something goes “wrong”, even “horribly wrong”, I can choose to see it as a divine diversion and a opportunity to let love shine.

In Anthem, Leonard Cohen sings, “There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

Whether the business you’ve poured your heart into is failing, your lover left you,  you’ve just been told you have a terminal illness, or the people in power are acting in inexplicable ways,  life will be chaotic and scary at times. It feels like the cracks are growing and your world is crumbling.  Even your best plans can’t save you.

But the crack, isn’t just a problem. The crack is also an opening. It’s how the light gets in. 

When we got someone else’s wedding cake, we laughed, stuck a fake nose and glasses in it, took our pictures, and danced around it. Friends, new neighbors, and even strangers stepped in to help us with each problem in our new house. In turn, I stayed open, grateful and in awe of the love. In my illness that devoured the world I loved, I discovered a different, more authentic way to live, and a deeper part of myself I’d never known.

You see the crack isn’t just how the light gets in. It’s also how the light gets out. There’s a light shining bright in me and you. And the times when things go wrong, we make mistakes, or we only see others’ faults, are all opportunities to let that light shine.

The world is full of cracks right now, so focus on the light. There is plenty of it.

Let it shine on you.

Accept the good in others. Let people support you when you’re scared and sad. Ask for help.

When you don’t see the light, Let it shine out of you.

Be kind to everyone, starting with yourself. Feel your pain, release your pain, without taking it out on others. Be engaged. Stay curious. Accept people who have different beliefs, or voted for someone else. Embrace those who look, act and speak differently. The light will reflect off of others and soon you’ll be bathing in it.

Be courageous enough, in these tough times, to Love.

In these challenging times, how will you let your light shine, and let others’ light shine on you?

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Stop Saying These Three Words

When she has to make an important decision, or feels stressed about something, my niece sometimes phones me for advice. It’s a call I love to get. I’m delighted to tap into her world for a while and offer help however I can. I love that she trusts me and wants me to be involved.

At some point in the call she usually asks me to tell her what to do, but that’s not really my way. While I’m happy to share my experience, or offer options she hasn’t considered, I’m most interested in helping her access her own wisdom. I want her to touch the place deep inside her where her own answers lie. I have no interest in telling her what to do.

Until the last call.

My niece is fortunate to be good at many things. She’s smart, athletic, musical, creative and kind. She has a confidence I never knew at her age. (Can you tell I’m an aunt?) She called me at the beginning of this school year because she wasn’t sure what to do about sports. Her workload at school is heavier, and her time with friends is important. She’s been dancing ballet since she was young. She loves ballet and how it makes her feel, but the program was changing and she wasn’t sure she wanted to continue where she’d been since it’s a major time commitment.

She was considering soccer as an alternative, but was concerned. She wished her mom had made her play soccer when she was young, even though she hadn’t wanted to. The girls she knew who played soccer had been doing it for many years. They knew the game, they’d developed their skills, and they’d bonded. She told me she was worried that “It’s too late.” She didn’t feel that at the ripe age of 15 she could catch up.

It was those three words that changed my way with her. It told her straight out, “Join soccer!”. I said, “If for no other reason, join soccer so that you don’t start telling yourself It’s Too Late. That belief will limit you the rest of your life.”

She joined soccer. It turns out she’s a natural. She’s fast and athletic and will probably be a soccer superstar. She loves it! She’s having fun, meeting new friends, getting to be part of a team and staying really physical. And she’s learned that “It’s NOT too late”. That’s a lesson I hope she’ll carry with her forever.

If you’re 15, 35, 75 or more, please never say It’s Too Late.

Whether you want to learn an instrument, fall in love, get healthy, ask for forgiveness, start a new career, run a marathon, or travel to some far off country, it’s not too late. It may not happen the way you expect, but you’re willingness will open that door, and that makes anything possible.

What would you do if you stopped telling yourself It’s Too Late?